You were taking some time off lately. Maybe my joyful ambition put you off. Maybe you were regaining strength. You certainly came back in full force. As you know, I love to understand things, people – the why, the how. Why do people do certain things? What motivates them to act in a certain way? How did they feel when they made such a decision?
I’m still trying to figure you out. Why you showed up during my holiday – so intensely I couldn’t drive that Sunday. What if I die? What if this or that happens? What if…
What if you left me alone now? What if you returned to that place you went to and never came back? Would that mean I wouldn’t appreciate the peaceful days anymore, losing sight of the war of thoughts?
As I write this I cry, my whole body tenses up. Not a nice, liberating cry – those are hopeless, exhausted tears. Why are you here? What are you trying to tell me? What is it that you don’t like – are you scared? I’m scared. I am. I’m shit scared. I’m so tired of looking at the silver fucking lining. The daily headaches make it hard not to wonder. I know you’re trying to tell me something. I know there is a reason for all this – and I want to know. Now. I want to understand you. I want to know your why. I can’t help but think I’m doing something wrong. It’s never good enough, is it?
I want to talk to someone. I want to be alone. I scan the world looking for a sign of compassion. I reach out – I get a LOL. I’m ungrateful, my life is wonderful, why do I feel this way. I don’t fucking know, that’s why. I wanna do something about it. Let me sit here and think about it until I hate myself enough to go to sleep.
Between the desperate cries I realise I haven’t written for weeks. Look at me now. Is this what you came for? Will you force me to say there is a silver (fucking) lining to this, too?
No, thank you. I won’t admit that to you.
Ps. The answer is yes, guys – it’s all there for a reason. I promise to keep you posted when I’ve figured this one out. Much love, Amandine xx